Monday 28 May 2007

Monday

I went out again last night. I didn't do as well as I did on Friday but I still didn't do any shots. I have a few blanks, a couple of conversations I'm not completely satisfied that I didn't say anything I shouldn't, but in general I think I was alright. Touch wood. This morning though I've felt like shit and my head is so fuzzy it's paining me to type right now. All I want to do is go back to bed and sleep it off some more but it's actually four in the afternoon and I think that would be somewhat silly.
I have the house to myself. He's watching some football at a friends and I can't think of anything constructive to do. My brain just won't work. That could have something to do with the fact that I barely had any sleep last night. Another party. Another embarrassing walk home in the morning. I have to start thinking properly, and be careful not to fall asleep in people's houses. Imagine what they must think. It's a good job I've known them for years or I don't think I'd ever set foot outside again.
I hope to god I wasn't snoring.

Sunday 27 May 2007

Sunday

A Memory, Or Something Like It....
Being so drunk that I fell over a barb wire fence and not feeling any pain as my foot was ripped open. I walked for ten minutes afterwards and only realised anything was wrong when I felt that the shoe I was wearing was wet and squelching with blood. I didn't have any stitches or anything. But it scarred and every time I see it I remember what it felt like to be fifteen and out of my mind.

Saturday 26 May 2007

Saturday

I went out last night and I really tried to not get myself in my usual state and I think I may have actually done alright. Instead of a bottle in the first hour, I only had TWO glasses of wine. Then I had about six single vodkas and nothing else. Rather than ten vodkas and two or three shots of some other ghastly spirit. AND I drank a glass of water at the beginning and the end of the night. I actually woke up this morning not feeling too worried and remembering most of it, no blanks like last week. And I don't feel ill or anything. Result. Let's just see how long I can keep this up though. It's just habit to keep drinking. I smoked more than usual. I was by no means sober, but I'm taking little steps to a big change and all that.
So today may not be written off like all my Saturdays for the past six years. I think we're going to go food shopping seen as the cupboards are bare. He's cutting the grass at the moment and then there's a book signing I want to go to. Saturdays are sort of alien to me, I always spend them in bed, so it feels good to be up and about before noon- well it's actually ten past twelve- but you get the idea. I'm actually kind of excited...

Friday 25 May 2007

Friday

I'm hiding in my "office" with the blind down because there is a workman in the garden and I can't be bothered to deal with him today. Plus I'm going to go to bed in a minute, I've been awake all night, couldn't get to sleep and now I'm absolutely knackered. But I suppose there should be an introduction of some sort. I can't just expect you to know me.
The first time I got drunk I was twelve years old. I can't remember what I got drunk on, or indeed, why I decided that it had to be done in the first place, but I do remember that I deemed it essential for me to have a good day that day, some family party on a really hot summer afternoon. I got completely plastered and ended up lying in a field opposite my house with a load of kids taunting me and wondering what on earth was going on. Still a kid myself but a role model to some. I thought I was fucking great. I kind of even remember what I was wearing, because there is a photo of me somewhere, in one of our family albums, of me looking all dopey but strangely serene, like I was totally at one with the earth or something. Rubbing my head on my sisters shoulder my eyes closed and my mouth kind of pursed trying to smile. I had a little tight blue t-shirt on it with a daisy on the front and some pedal pushers. I also remember I wore that outfit to go to the vets the night my cat died about a year later. It's funny how your mind works some times.
Anyway that was the first time and I remember when I was lying in that field in the middle of a load of corn or whatever it was and it was scratching my skin and there was bugs everywhere, I had still never felt so connected. That's quite possibly the only way I can describe it. I just felt happy and relaxed and warm, and nothing at all in the whole world bothered me.
I'm twenty-three now and I rarely have that feeling anymore, but I still go after it. Like most people who drink to either solve a problem or to forget them. Not that drinking could possibly ever solve a problem... Weird thing is I don't have many, I create them for myself when I'm in evil twin mode. When I can't control my mouth or mind.
I went to university away from home and I graduated in 2005. Right now I have "some job", I have a wonderful man who I share a home and a life with. For now that's pretty much it. For today anyway. Like I said I'm tired and it's time for me to rest. I'm going out tonight. Let's see how I manage with this 'not drinking' thing....

Thursday 24 May 2007

Thursday

So today was interesting. I woke up feeling much better than I did yesterday and I cleaned the whole house, which has needed doing for a while. It actually made me feel house-proud for a moment and then I realised I'll still probably have to move out of here in a few months, which is way too depressing to even consider. I hate the real world.
After that I got ready and went over to see my family. Boring boring boring. Then I went and met a friend, who sympathises with the whole drinking issue. She says we are just stuck in a rut. But the fact that I can't control myself makes me think otherwise. Once I start I literally can't stop. I drink myself into oblivion. I am not the person I am when I am drunk. I don't know who that is. And I really don't like them. I feel like it's starting to ruin my life.
My mum says it just inhibits me. This was at a family party some time last summer. I decided to go "just for a couple" and to drive home after an hour. Two bottles of wine - remembering this is the middle of the afternoon- and I'm still there. Making a complete twat out of myself in front of all my parents friends. Slurring. Lying. Boasting. The list of embarrassing personality traits that I encompass when I've had a few is endless. And I know I shouldn't be doing it. I know I'll regret it the next day. I know I'll cry and be sick and have to worse hangover that won't disappear now until sometime the next evening, and I'll still do it. I just can't say no. And no one understands. No one thinks the problem is really there. They all just think I'm a hedonist. Or a complete nutcase. I'm not really either. I just can't stop.
I decided yesterday that there was no way I would go out this weekend. That I would lock the door and stay in the house, I'd let myself go into the garden but in this weather that only makes me want to have a glass of wine or some sort of lager so I have an excuse to have a fag. Being outside makes me want a fag. God, any excuse to have a fag. I quit last year but I still smoke when I drink. Hopefully this ban coming in July will help out with that. My body is going to start giving up on me. Then I got a text off a friend saying it was on for tomorrow, that she wanted to go out and I know we all will. I know I will. I have no inner strength. I have no willpower. And I'm starting to think I have no self-respect. On Friday night, the last Friday, I have blanks in my memory. That's the worse bit about it I think. I don't know what I've done, or what I've said. Or who to. All I know is I was in a persons company, someone who probably thought I was okay, a good laugh, whatever, and now thinks I'm a total arsehole. This is what I can't stand. The not knowing. The constant worrying of what I've done or said when I wasn't really me for those few hours. When I became my evil twin as it were. Even writing this makes me want to cry, so there I shall stop for now.

Wednesday 23 May 2007

Wednesday


I realised this morning that I'm probably an alcoholic. Not one of those scruffy sullen men and women who hang around in town centres in yesterdays clothes, unshaven, unkempt, scaring passers-by, but not far off either. I haven't got dressed today. I didn't work. Again. My make-up is still on my face, making me look dirty more than anything. I haven't brushed my teeth. I feel a bit sick I'm so dehydrated. And it's five in the afternoon. Are hangovers supposed to last this long? I can't concentrate properly and I just want to get into bed and go to sleep.
This is all starting to get me into trouble. The dynamics of my relationship has changed since this began. The partying throughout the week. He's getting so annoyed with me. When I threw-up this morning I tried to hide it from him but he came downstairs while I was still heaving and went mad. He said he couldn't believe the state I was in on a Wednesday morning. And he's right. What am I thinking? And I go out and leave him too, don't come back until whenever I feel like it. Most of the time not remembering or knowing what I'm doing. He's started to say that he's scared for me. And I'm starting to feel like that too. Surely I should have grown out of this by now. And if not grown out of, at least learnt some sort of lesson. But it doesn't look much like it, not yet anyway. Except today I had a little look at Alcoholics Anonymous and I did one of their quizzes to see if you had a problem with drinking. I scored unnervingly high.
I want to try and change.