Lunedi

At the weekend two of my friends from university came to stay.

We hadn't seen each other in over four years and after five minutes together it was like we had never been apart.

We laughed and talked about the exact same things as we did then, it felt great having people close again. With me all the time. And this brought me to the conclusion, after all this time and self reflection - I am actually rather lonely.

I remember what it was like to have another person beside me, and I don't fear it anymore... I crave it.

I think for the past two years I've been avoiding relationships subconsciously because I'm afraid I will ruin it again. Either that or they will destroy me like N did.

I don't want to go back to that.

A scared shell with nothing to look forward to.

I'm not the sort of person to chase or look for men. I need them to do the work. But it's got to the point now where I am so sick of this boring existence - because that is all it is, there is no real living involved - that I am going to have to.

I got head hunted for a new job. Some company who build random security systems for Navy submarines want me to write and edit all their documentation and copy...with all my knowledge of submarines it should be a breeze....ha!

Don't think I'll take it. It's less money than I'm on now and I hate starting over. I'm pretty settled where I am even though I know my days there are numbered. Need inspiration for something better. Something I really want.

Suggestions welcome....

2010

Happy New Year....!

I had an unusually good Christmas this year. If it wasn't for this ridiculous snow I suppose it would have been even better as I have been unbelievably hindered by it - no high heels, no trips to the parents for tea (I have actually had to cook for myself) and no easy way around. In short I have been stuck and now it is a Friday night and I am in bed at midnight.

I shouldn't moan though as I'm actually quite grateful for it.

Over the Christmas period all of the nights out blurred into one. On all of them I was drunk. I sang with friends. I danced with strangers. I kissed a boy who was very tall with dark hair and had one of the most interesting sense of humors I have ever come across. He walked me home and we swapped numbers by my doorway before I went inside. He called me straight away, drunk and staggering home in the snow. Now he's off the radar and I doubt I will see him again.

At least I didn't let him come inside.

New Years Eve and I did shots, I drank Champagne and wine and kissed my friends at midnight. None of us could see straight and I left with my friend K and walked to a restaurant where I had an argument with a boy I don't even know before getting a taxi to a house party.

I left at 8am and felt sick and tired in the car on the way home.

My New Years Resolutions

1. Rejoin the gym - this idea works twofold as not only will I hopefully get fit by working out and playing some sort of sport (I'm thinking tennis) it will also keep me away from pubs/nightclubs and open new doors for me meeting interesting and exciting potential husbands.
2. Quit smoking. I have smoked on and off (more on) for nearly ten years now which I guess is actually very, very bad. I fear not only what's going on inside but also the skin factor... I won't stay all wrinkle free forever and I don't want to look like my aunt....seriously....
3. QUIT BINGE DRINKING. Or you know what, just drinking in general.

I am ashamed to say that I lasted the grand total of one day on these last two resolutions and I haven't even joined the gym. On Saturday 2nd I went out like I do every Saturday and drank to excessive amounts, made a complete idiot out of myself, staggered home in the cold nearly falling on the ice and woke up still very, very drunk on the Sunday and threw up once I got to my parents house and tried to eat something. I did this again on Tuesday - but to the rather random effect that I only had three drinks which turned out to be cheap vodka doubles. I woke up on Wednesday morning, was sick, called work and lied to say I was stuck in the snow and couldn't make it in for a few hours. Went back to bed. Woke at twelve and ate a whole packet of biscuits to stop me vomming again.

It has to end. I have to put the effort in.

Let's see how I fair tomorrow....