Dilemma

I suppose it won't be any big shock to a lot of you that I've ended up here.

You're probably thinking that I've drank myself to it, that I've been on a downward spiral for years and it was only a matter of time. But the truth is, something really bad happened to me.

Something I didn't want to happen and more importantly something I never, in my wildest dreams, ever thought could happen.

I'm not talking life or death and I'm not talking about being dumped.

Well, not in the traditional sense anyway.

I'm talking about being absolutely shaken, everything I've ever believed in being based on a lie and some of the people I trusted most being dishonest.

It's been pretty rough... To say the least. And so last week after a relatively sober last three years and a lot of positive inroads and life changes I find myself prescribed Prozac and referred for counselling by my doctor.

Why oh why would it come to this ?

The truth is, I don't feel like me anymore. My mind is warped and a prison, not an asset.

I'm frightened. Really frightened. Because suddenly I really don't know what's waiting for me. The future is bleak, a wasteland of decaying baggage that has trapped me.

And now I'm suffocated.

Help....

Time Out

I've been working hard. Or trying to anyway.

I had some of my writing published and it's inpired me to do more. I've been looking into courses and I'm hoping to get my life back on track. I can't keep going in this direction with the job I'm doing. I don't enjoy it and it doesn't even pay that well so really I'm wasting time and energy on something I don't care about.

I haven't been going out much. I've managed to cut out a lot of the drinking. Last night I went into town and after two glasses of wine I felt sick and wanted to go home. I think moving back to the country and taking some time out has helped me massively. Even though it's isolated, I don't feel pressure like I used to. It's easy to switch off and forget about what other people are doing and what I may be missing out on and I realise that I don't even mind if I'm missing out on things. It doesn't drive me mad like it used to, like a spoilt little child.

Today I woke up in my friend L's bed and her flatmate came in and I got up and ready and came home. I lounged in bed all afternoon and I'm going to cook dinner for my parents and then go to the movies. It's weird actually having a weekend and being able to do things. For the past 5 years every Saturday and Sunday has been spent nursing a horrible hangover that would last until Monday.

I watched the Disney movie 'Up' before as well. It was so poignant. It made me cry.

Fifteen

My old boyfriend, a guy I went out with for a couple of months when I was a crazy 15 year old, died at the weekend.

I hadn't seen him in years, and to be honest, even if I had I wouldn't have known what to say. When we broke up he told everyone I had broke his heart and he would never love again. But it still made me sad when I think back to us as teenagers and being wild and uninhibited. Playing in corn fields and making up names for each other. Sitting in my mother's kitchen and drinking hot chocolate and going on shopping trips to try on expensive furs in other towns.

He was one of the good guys. And I took him for granted. I guess we all did.

The last time I saw him, N and I were picking up the sushi for our engagement party and he was working in the store. He was wearing a uniform and carrying three huge sunflowers. N was nasty to him and I giggled along, easily lead as ever. Not realising that the reason he hated me was because I had broken up with him and scarred him for life. His first girlfriend, and one that didn't care enough.

Now I am numb and I feel like I need to say sorry.

I was young and I wasn't thinking.

You were a great friend.

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I am being published in a magazine next month. Someone somewhere likes my writing. It's a short fiction piece about trying to get over someone. I wrote it one night about six months ago when I was feeling a little bit sad about N and needed some outlet. So it appears, from the heart really does work.

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I am still with the new guy. I like him. He's silly and easy to be with and he makes me smile a lot. I like having him around. I miss him when he's not there and whilst I'm at work he emails me all day and on the evenings we meet up and go for drinks, or watch movies, or go walking in random places. He is different to the people I have known all my life and I like him even more because of this. He isn't conceited or stuck up and isn't afraid to just be himself. He isn't materialistic. He doesn't give a shit and I find it really endearing. He's grounded me in a lot of ways too. I don't care anymore about the scene I was involved in, and I like just hibernating with him and doing things with his friends that I never would have done before. He's one of the good guys too. But I am most certain that I am not going to take this one for granted.

Gone Baby Gone

I've met somebody.

I still don't know whether they will be a long term, big part of my life or not but what I do know is that he is significant.

I have only known him about 3 weeks. And already it feels like forever. Like he has always been there.

This hasn't happened since N. Not like this. Not since I was 14 years old and we spent all night on the phone to each other and I didn't care what I said, what he thought, how I acted, because I knew none of it mattered. He loved me anyway.

We get on really well, have loads in common and yet we are so completely different it's all a bit weird.

I had a plan to escape this September. And now I don't know whether to do it or not. Which I know is totally stupid after three weeks but it sort of reinforces the fact that maybe I don't have to leave where I am settled to find what I really want... even though I have no idea what that is yet.

I think N has moved in with that girl. The one I have never even spoke about here. And I realise that as of July, which is actually not so far away, it will be a year since we last spoke. And I do feel a lot more moved on even though I still freely admit that I haven't entirely. He really messed me up. I wish I could have saved it. But it's gone and that's that. His loss et cetera, et cetera.

I don't even go out anymore. Apart from Saturday nights. But I haven't written anything in forever, and my university applications are incomplete. My bank balance still painfully low and my savings gone baby gone when I went mad and refused to work and just drank myself into the ground.

I get angry sometimes at why nobody saved me.

I would have helped someone who was like that rather than get annoyed.

When I think about it, I don't get how people turned a blind eye to it all. Let me go on that way. Watch me make mistake after mistake and totally damage everything.

And I love what a difference a year can make.

I feel great now. I barely ever cry.

Maybe only once or twice a week.

Not every hour. Every night when I'm trying to sleep. Before I even wake up.

I'm grounded.

I'm happy.

And I really hope it lasts.

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My Dream: 6th April 2010

I'm in a hospital and I am giving birth to a baby that I didn't even know I was pregnant with. I am lying on the bed and it is all really fast, it doesn't hurt and I am sucking on the gas and air and I am panicking because there are no doctors and I can feel that it is coming out. The baby comes out and I pull it from between my legs and hold it. It is slippery and covered in blood and still attached by the cord and I turn and there is a girl next to me that I do not know and ask her where the doctor is to cut the cord and she shrugs so I lie there with my legs apart, still in my clothes holding this baby that I instantly love and I start to cry. In my head I know it is N's baby and I wish he was there with me. The baby is a girl and she is beautifully perfect with amazing skin. Someone takes her away from me, cuts the cord without me even really knowing and then I am outside on the phone trying to call my mother to tell her I have had a baby. She says her and my dad are going away for the weekend and they will help me sort it out when they get back. And I cry and say that I don't know what to do. Back inside I am looking for my baby and I cannot find her. I ask a nurse if I can see her and all the hallways are dark and she says yes and we walk along. My sister and mother appear and we go and get my baby and I try to give her a name but I cannot think of the names I want and end up calling her something random that has Grace in it. She has been all cleaned up and she is bigger than a newborn, more like she is about 3 months and I carry her but my mother, sister, nurses keep trying to take her from me. As we walk to the car my mother asks who the father is and I say N. She says, "Are you going to tell him?" And I say, yes I will right now. And when I turn there is a takeaway shop and I see him inside. My sister takes my baby and I walk into the shop and ask him if I can have a word and he ignores me. When I ask him and he ignores me again I just blurt it out. Tell him I have given birth to his baby and she is outside in the car with my family and he shrugs and I tell him he knows where to find me if he wants to see her. When I walk out of the shop, the dream stops...and I never get back to my family or the car....

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No Fixed Abode

Well, this isn't entirely true.

I am back with the family. But it doesn't feel like "home" anymore so I am still a wanderer, a nomad, a travelling girl.

I haven't unpacked all of my things yet but in a way it feels quite therapeutic being here. Like I'm finally being looked after, I have needed it for such a long time. Being here means I can sleep late, I have all my food cooked for me, I am warm and rested. I don't go out as much. Tonight I was bored so I drove to the gym and went swimming. Now I lounge in a bedroom that is comfortable and well lit and cozy. Tomorrow is another day. Maybe I will venture back to town and see some friends.

The boy I have been on and off with for a year was in town last night, and I got myself all annoyed and frustrated because he didn't arrange to see me. I would marry this guy tomorrow if he asked. And yet I cannot tell him how I feel because I know, or strongly feel at least, that it wouldn't be reciprocated. Which is pretty devastating but the least of my worries at the same time. He is everything I have ever wanted in a partner. And this makes me utterly retarded with him. A door mat. A do-gooder. A wet blanket.

I fucking hate it when that happens.

Ruin it with the perfect one's because of that exactly....I am scared of his perceived perfection.

I am tired. Sleep please.

Nowhere

I recognise people at times.

Mostly men.

And I stare at them over and over and I cannot place their face, or how we came to be in each other's presence before this moment but I know that I have shared an experience on some level with them. Whether it be a quick glance...a brief conversation... a kiss.

In the past few weeks this has happened to me at least three times. A guy at the new job used to work at a bar I went into a lot when I was at the height of crazy and I knew I recognised him from somewhere but I couldn't figure it out. I probably got served by him at least four nights a week and had countless conversations with him. He even remembers now what I would order and I felt so ashamed when all this came to light. I still haven't really been able to have a proper conversation with him about it.

On Wednesday when I went out with my friend to the rock club, a guy there kept staring at me and giving me what I can only describe as "I'm going to fuck you" eyes over and over again - and I knew I recognised him too, I have the feeling I may have kissed him on a drunken Tuesday that infamous Summer of 2008 when things were really very bad. He was rough and although not bad looking, he had the overall appearance of someone who could easily have passed for a gypsy.

In my mind these people are nowhere.

I would never have known they existed if it wasn't for these chance meetings again. And I have met them and shared things with them, and then forgotten them entirely, if I was even aware of them in the first place.

I find this so weird and also comforting as I know this could never happened now. It makes me feel better because I know my mind is in a better place. I have evolved as it were. And now I just need to make sure that I keep on the right path.

Red

It's the little things I suppose that let me know how much I'm changing.

Tonight I was in the gym (first clue) and after I had had a shower and was drying my hair I looked down and noticed I didn't have any red nail polish on my toes. In fact, I had no colour on them at all.

This is something that I have always had. Something that is always there. I have been wearing red nail polish on my toes since I first started uni. When I noticed, I jumped. And then I realised that they probably looked better without it anyway.

Every single man I have ever met is pissing me off today. If any of them pop into my head I want to stab them with a spear.

Hindsight is the most annoying thing in the world. And should be dis-invented/removed from the brain.

Last night I went to a rock club with my friend, a boy, and we danced and smoked cigarettes in the rain and drank cheap vodka. I drove home - I had only had two drinks - and we got some food on the way and ate it in the car while I tried to steer with one hand and not burn my mouth. He told me about all his "girl issues" and I realised we are all the same. He wants to meet someone perfect and so do I. But men are quicker to cut the imperfect one's than women are. I guess where we live our options are seriously limited anyway. They're all pricks or complete losers...gay or taken... Or one's that have already broke my heart.

If I was a colour right now....I would be red...