Tuesday 18 May 2010

Fifteen

My old boyfriend, a guy I went out with for a couple of months when I was a crazy 15 year old, died at the weekend.

I hadn't seen him in years, and to be honest, even if I had I wouldn't have known what to say. When we broke up he told everyone I had broke his heart and he would never love again. But it still made me sad when I think back to us as teenagers and being wild and uninhibited. Playing in corn fields and making up names for each other. Sitting in my mother's kitchen and drinking hot chocolate and going on shopping trips to try on expensive furs in other towns.

He was one of the good guys. And I took him for granted. I guess we all did.

The last time I saw him, N and I were picking up the sushi for our engagement party and he was working in the store. He was wearing a uniform and carrying three huge sunflowers. N was nasty to him and I giggled along, easily lead as ever. Not realising that the reason he hated me was because I had broken up with him and scarred him for life. His first girlfriend, and one that didn't care enough.

Now I am numb and I feel like I need to say sorry.

I was young and I wasn't thinking.

You were a great friend.

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I am being published in a magazine next month. Someone somewhere likes my writing. It's a short fiction piece about trying to get over someone. I wrote it one night about six months ago when I was feeling a little bit sad about N and needed some outlet. So it appears, from the heart really does work.

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I am still with the new guy. I like him. He's silly and easy to be with and he makes me smile a lot. I like having him around. I miss him when he's not there and whilst I'm at work he emails me all day and on the evenings we meet up and go for drinks, or watch movies, or go walking in random places. He is different to the people I have known all my life and I like him even more because of this. He isn't conceited or stuck up and isn't afraid to just be himself. He isn't materialistic. He doesn't give a shit and I find it really endearing. He's grounded me in a lot of ways too. I don't care anymore about the scene I was involved in, and I like just hibernating with him and doing things with his friends that I never would have done before. He's one of the good guys too. But I am most certain that I am not going to take this one for granted.