For N, An Apology

I've never felt better in the last 3 years than I do right now and I don't even have a legitimate reason for it.

I lost the love of my life because I'm an idiot and was too young to handle the pressure we were put under. Maybe this is why I'm the way I am. Or, should I say, the way I was. I know a large part of our relationship breaking down was my fault. And for that I need to say sorry.

I think for at least ten months after we split I was in shock.

I didn't function properly and all I cared about was going out, getting wasted and wishing, wishing, wishing that I could find someone else to love me. In literally, any capacity. The consequence of this was random relationships, with random people I didn't even really care about - save one exception. Which just made me feel like shit. After the shock there was the anger, then desperation, then sadness..."madness" as I like to call it because when I read my diary back now it absolutely terrifies me. I missed him and our life together. But I had to accept that I'd never get it back.

Two years on and I finally feel better.

That was a long time to be in pain for, but it's better to come through on the other side knowing that surely, if only now, things have to and will only get better.

I tried to get him back, but to no avail. He's moved on....even after we'd spent over ten years being the most important people in each others lives. He doesn't want to know anymore.

And I guess, who could blame him?

Suddenly, I have grown up. But I never would have if I had still been with him. Even if we had carried on just being friends, I regressed back to being a child whenever I was near him. We were stuck in teenager mode. And I mean constantly. Argument after petty argument and when we started spending time together again it only dragged all the negativity back up. Both of us still clung to the things that had grated on us then and the fact we had been apart for so long only magnified them.

I will always miss him though.

And my love for him will always be there.

I can never forget how amazing it all was. And how lucky I was to have him.

It's a shame we hadn't met now.