Today

Today has been scary.

I went to the hospital for a test. I hadn't really thought about it. Some scan I didn't even think was really necessary and suddenly I'm being told there's something there.

I cried on the way home.

My sister says I need to start looking after myself.

Because let's face it....I haven't....

I've been doing the complete opposite.

I was so upset I didn't go back to work. I retreated to my parents front room all day, curled up on the couch under a blanket by the Christmas tree...watched The Grinch with my nephew and fell asleep with him for the rest of the afternoon. When I woke up it was around four and I was bleary eyed and still scared shitless.

Now I'm at home in bed and it's all I can think about.

I've been terrified of something like this happening since I was 18 and suddenly aware of my own mortality and the fact that I had something to live for.

I'm going on a detox tomorrow. No booze or bad food for two weeks.

I don't care about the fact it's Christmas.

I'm tired.

On the verge of collapse.

And looking completely fried.

And it's actually damaging me on the inside now too...