Lunedi

At the weekend two of my friends from university came to stay.

We hadn't seen each other in over four years and after five minutes together it was like we had never been apart.

We laughed and talked about the exact same things as we did then, it felt great having people close again. With me all the time. And this brought me to the conclusion, after all this time and self reflection - I am actually rather lonely.

I remember what it was like to have another person beside me, and I don't fear it anymore... I crave it.

I think for the past two years I've been avoiding relationships subconsciously because I'm afraid I will ruin it again. Either that or they will destroy me like N did.

I don't want to go back to that.

A scared shell with nothing to look forward to.

I'm not the sort of person to chase or look for men. I need them to do the work. But it's got to the point now where I am so sick of this boring existence - because that is all it is, there is no real living involved - that I am going to have to.

I got head hunted for a new job. Some company who build random security systems for Navy submarines want me to write and edit all their documentation and copy...with all my knowledge of submarines it should be a breeze....ha!

Don't think I'll take it. It's less money than I'm on now and I hate starting over. I'm pretty settled where I am even though I know my days there are numbered. Need inspiration for something better. Something I really want.

Suggestions welcome....