Square One

I must be bipolar.

Between two and three weeks ago I was really happy and now I feel so low I am making bizarre decisions and changing my life which I hope will ultimately be for the better but I am not really sure.

I have decided to leave where I am now and go back home for a few months to re-group and re-assess.

I have lived here for over four years and now I am risking making myself brooding and lonely and disappearing from society to go and find myself all over again, back where I first started.

It should be scary, and I suppose it is. But I will never really know until I try.

The new job is depressing me because it feels quiet and is in a weird place where I am going to move back to and try to give myself more time. I have always hated change but I can see this as the only way to make things better in the long term. And I have to hang onto that belief. That one day - hopefully in roughly 3-4 months - this will be the case.

I will emerge reformed and revived and sane.

My manuscript complete.

My body finely tuned.

My hair no longer dishevelled and my skin no longer dry.

My mind more complus mentus.

Ready to get back out there.

Because right now, I am nowhere. And I realise I've been stuck here for too long.

I am scared and wary, but surely that is normal?

A defining chapter is definitely closing and I feel old.

I think back to when I was newly single and I started out on the past 3 years of crazy. My god, it was fun. But I can't even imagine what it would be like to live like that again. With nothing to aim for but the next man and the next out of mind experience. I don't even recognise that person now. Every day when I look in the mirror a bleak version of myself greets me and she is not attractive. She is not happy. She is worn out. I wonder how she got there and where she is going. What she will look like in ten years. And I realise if I kept on the path I was on she would be one hell of a mess.

So, as of next week it all ends. I say Goodbye to the town that ruined me. And Hello to my adolescence.

I suppose in this time I'm guaranteed to blog more too....