Tuesday 2 March 2010

No Fixed Abode

Well, this isn't entirely true.
I am back with the family. But it doesn't feel like "home" anymore so I am still a wanderer, a nomad, a travelling girl.
I haven't unpacked all of my things yet but in a way it feels quite therapeutic being here. Like I'm finally being looked after, I have needed it for such a long time. Being here means I can sleep late, I have all my food cooked for me, I am warm and rested. I don't go out as much. Tonight I was bored so I drove to the gym and went swimming. Now I lounge in a bedroom that is comfortable and well lit and cozy. Tomorrow is another day. Maybe I will venture back to town and see some friends.
The boy I have been on and off with for a year was in town last night, and I got myself all annoyed and frustrated because he didn't arrange to see me. I would marry this guy tomorrow if he asked. And yet I cannot tell him how I feel because I know, or strongly feel at least, that it wouldn't be reciprocated. Which is pretty devastating but the least of my worries at the same time. He is everything I have ever wanted in a partner. And this makes me utterly retarded with him. A door mat. A do-gooder. A wet blanket.
I fucking hate it when that happens.
Ruin it with the perfect one's because of that exactly....I am scared of his perceived perfection.
I am tired. Sleep please.

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