Gone Baby Gone

I've met somebody.

I still don't know whether they will be a long term, big part of my life or not but what I do know is that he is significant.

I have only known him about 3 weeks. And already it feels like forever. Like he has always been there.

This hasn't happened since N. Not like this. Not since I was 14 years old and we spent all night on the phone to each other and I didn't care what I said, what he thought, how I acted, because I knew none of it mattered. He loved me anyway.

We get on really well, have loads in common and yet we are so completely different it's all a bit weird.

I had a plan to escape this September. And now I don't know whether to do it or not. Which I know is totally stupid after three weeks but it sort of reinforces the fact that maybe I don't have to leave where I am settled to find what I really want... even though I have no idea what that is yet.

I think N has moved in with that girl. The one I have never even spoke about here. And I realise that as of July, which is actually not so far away, it will be a year since we last spoke. And I do feel a lot more moved on even though I still freely admit that I haven't entirely. He really messed me up. I wish I could have saved it. But it's gone and that's that. His loss et cetera, et cetera.

I don't even go out anymore. Apart from Saturday nights. But I haven't written anything in forever, and my university applications are incomplete. My bank balance still painfully low and my savings gone baby gone when I went mad and refused to work and just drank myself into the ground.

I get angry sometimes at why nobody saved me.

I would have helped someone who was like that rather than get annoyed.

When I think about it, I don't get how people turned a blind eye to it all. Let me go on that way. Watch me make mistake after mistake and totally damage everything.

And I love what a difference a year can make.

I feel great now. I barely ever cry.

Maybe only once or twice a week.

Not every hour. Every night when I'm trying to sleep. Before I even wake up.

I'm grounded.

I'm happy.

And I really hope it lasts.

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My Dream: 6th April 2010

I'm in a hospital and I am giving birth to a baby that I didn't even know I was pregnant with. I am lying on the bed and it is all really fast, it doesn't hurt and I am sucking on the gas and air and I am panicking because there are no doctors and I can feel that it is coming out. The baby comes out and I pull it from between my legs and hold it. It is slippery and covered in blood and still attached by the cord and I turn and there is a girl next to me that I do not know and ask her where the doctor is to cut the cord and she shrugs so I lie there with my legs apart, still in my clothes holding this baby that I instantly love and I start to cry. In my head I know it is N's baby and I wish he was there with me. The baby is a girl and she is beautifully perfect with amazing skin. Someone takes her away from me, cuts the cord without me even really knowing and then I am outside on the phone trying to call my mother to tell her I have had a baby. She says her and my dad are going away for the weekend and they will help me sort it out when they get back. And I cry and say that I don't know what to do. Back inside I am looking for my baby and I cannot find her. I ask a nurse if I can see her and all the hallways are dark and she says yes and we walk along. My sister and mother appear and we go and get my baby and I try to give her a name but I cannot think of the names I want and end up calling her something random that has Grace in it. She has been all cleaned up and she is bigger than a newborn, more like she is about 3 months and I carry her but my mother, sister, nurses keep trying to take her from me. As we walk to the car my mother asks who the father is and I say N. She says, "Are you going to tell him?" And I say, yes I will right now. And when I turn there is a takeaway shop and I see him inside. My sister takes my baby and I walk into the shop and ask him if I can have a word and he ignores me. When I ask him and he ignores me again I just blurt it out. Tell him I have given birth to his baby and she is outside in the car with my family and he shrugs and I tell him he knows where to find me if he wants to see her. When I walk out of the shop, the dream stops...and I never get back to my family or the car....

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