Friday

I'm hiding in my "office" with the blind down because there is a workman in the garden and I can't be bothered to deal with him today. Plus I'm going to go to bed in a minute, I've been awake all night, couldn't get to sleep and now I'm absolutely knackered. But I suppose there should be an introduction of some sort. I can't just expect you to know me.

The first time I got drunk I was twelve years old. I can't remember what I got drunk on, or indeed, why I decided that it had to be done in the first place, but I do remember that I deemed it essential for me to have a good day that day, some family party on a really hot summer afternoon. I got completely plastered and ended up lying in a field opposite my house with a load of kids taunting me and wondering what on earth was going on. Still a kid myself but a role model to some. I thought I was fucking great. I kind of even remember what I was wearing, because there is a photo of me somewhere, in one of our family albums, of me looking all dopey but strangely serene, like I was totally at one with the earth or something. Rubbing my head on my sisters shoulder my eyes closed and my mouth kind of pursed trying to smile. I had a little tight blue t-shirt on it with a daisy on the front and some pedal pushers. I also remember I wore that outfit to go to the vets the night my cat died about a year later. It's funny how your mind works some times.

Anyway that was the first time and I remember when I was lying in that field in the middle of a load of corn or whatever it was and it was scratching my skin and there was bugs everywhere, I had still never felt so connected. That's quite possibly the only way I can describe it. I just felt happy and relaxed and warm, and nothing at all in the whole world bothered me.

I'm twenty-three now and I rarely have that feeling anymore, but I still go after it. Like most people who drink to either solve a problem or to forget them. Not that drinking could possibly ever solve a problem... Weird thing is I don't have many, I create them for myself when I'm in evil twin mode. When I can't control my mouth or mind.

I went to university away from home and I graduated in 2005. Right now I have "some job", I have a wonderful man who I share a home and a life with. For now that's pretty much it. For today anyway. Like I said I'm tired and it's time for me to rest. I'm going out tonight. Let's see how I manage with this 'not drinking' thing....