Thursday

So today was interesting. I woke up feeling much better than I did yesterday and I cleaned the whole house, which has needed doing for a while. It actually made me feel house-proud for a moment and then I realised I'll still probably have to move out of here in a few months, which is way too depressing to even consider. I hate the real world.

After that I got ready and went over to see my family. Boring boring boring. Then I went and met a friend, who sympathises with the whole drinking issue. She says we are just stuck in a rut. But the fact that I can't control myself makes me think otherwise. Once I start I literally can't stop. I drink myself into oblivion. I am not the person I am when I am drunk. I don't know who that is. And I really don't like them. I feel like it's starting to ruin my life.

My mum says it just inhibits me. This was at a family party some time last summer. I decided to go "just for a couple" and to drive home after an hour. Two bottles of wine - remembering this is the middle of the afternoon- and I'm still there. Making a complete twat out of myself in front of all my parents friends. Slurring. Lying. Boasting. The list of embarrassing personality traits that I encompass when I've had a few is endless. And I know I shouldn't be doing it. I know I'll regret it the next day. I know I'll cry and be sick and have to worse hangover that won't disappear now until sometime the next evening, and I'll still do it. I just can't say no. And no one understands. No one thinks the problem is really there. They all just think I'm a hedonist. Or a complete nutcase. I'm not really either. I just can't stop.

I decided yesterday that there was no way I would go out this weekend. That I would lock the door and stay in the house, I'd let myself go into the garden but in this weather that only makes me want to have a glass of wine or some sort of lager so I have an excuse to have a fag. Being outside makes me want a fag. God, any excuse to have a fag. I quit last year but I still smoke when I drink. Hopefully this ban coming in July will help out with that. My body is going to start giving up on me. Then I got a text off a friend saying it was on for tomorrow, that she wanted to go out and I know we all will. I know I will. I have no inner strength. I have no willpower. And I'm starting to think I have no self-respect. On Friday night, the last Friday, I have blanks in my memory. That's the worse bit about it I think. I don't know what I've done, or what I've said. Or who to. All I know is I was in a persons company, someone who probably thought I was okay, a good laugh, whatever, and now thinks I'm a total arsehole. This is what I can't stand. The not knowing. The constant worrying of what I've done or said when I wasn't really me for those few hours. When I became my evil twin as it were. Even writing this makes me want to cry, so there I shall stop for now.